Dear Mister J
by Pandora's Teapot
Summary: Following the death of Harley Quinn and the addition of the Dee-Dee twins to his new band, the Joker reads a letter from his former hench woman that makes him think. Please note: I make it a policy to read stories from those who review, so please review!


*****This is a brief little piece of fiction based on the animated feature Batman Beyond: Return Of The Joker. I noticed the little looks the Dee-Dee Twins make at certain references to Batman made by the Joker. I noticed too his particular interest in them. They are the only members of the Jokerz Gang that he acknowledges by name. I decided to explore this via correspondence between the now aged Harley Quinn and genetically resurrected Joker. I was focussing more on the confused state of the Joker regarding his feelings for Harley, the hot/cold reactions etc, and the violent nature of their relationship. I also wanted to show that despite Harley's 'normalised' life, she is still quite twisted and devoted to the Joker. He's a hard character to understand. Enjoy!**

**DEAR MISTER J…**

**By Pandora Skye**

"_Dear Mister J...it's been a long while, hey..."_

Ah, good ol' Harley! Some things never change, and I always did like it when she called me Mister J in that dainty little accent of hers. Hit all the right spots.

"_I'm sending this letter in the care of my sorry excuses for grand kiddies...the brats will probably get into it before you do boss. Punish them severely..."_

Indeed, fire crackers dressed up as dynamite those twins are. Definitely no Harley Quinn. The letter had been opened and resealed. Poorly. I had kicked one of the silly girls in the face, a perfect shot right to the teeth. Hahahahaha! She fell to the ground and her stupid sister bent down to aid her, leaving herself completely open. I cracked her over the head with my gun. Hahahahaha! "Your grand mama's correspondence with me is private, understand?" I hissed. Their smeared, dolly faces peered up at me and nodded in fear. Brats. They didn't look anything like my Harley.

"_I hate to admit it Mister J, but I never really thought you'd be back. I mean, I know we went over the plan with the genetic chip in the bird boy's brain and all, but we didn't plan for you to get wasted the same night. It was really hard Mister J...I didn't know what to do..."_

Poor Harley. I didn't have the heart to tell her that night that I knew Batman would probably finish me. I thought it was pretty obvious, after all I did torture his Boy Wonder into oblivion. It was hilarious! But in the end Batsy didn't have the guts to do it himself. Let's face it, Bird Boy may have pushed me into the wires, but I pulled the switch! Only I was man enough to kill The Joker! Hahahahaha!

"_...but all that money you left behind for me Mister J, well that was mighty sweet of you Puddin'. That's what I wanted to write to you about. I tried to give those miserable brats a good life, a better life than what folks like us had. But do you think they appreciated it? No sir-ee. Follow in Nanna Harley's footsteps, they thought, turn to a life of crime. Like our lives were something glamorous Mister J..."_

Damn it. Why did she have to know me so well? Of course she did. I left her the cash, millions of dollars that I had stolen over the years, so she could have her life back. That stupid jester! Why did she insist on following me blindly into this mess? Why did she make me think my life was a mess? Fucking Harley! I hate her! Hate her, hate her, HATE HER!

"_...they think they'll get special treatment because of you and me. So I figured if they insisted on signing on as your hench girls, you'd treat 'em extra special. Show 'em what it's all about, if you know what I mean Mister J..."_

Hahahahahaha! I LOVE Harley! Sure thing my little Hell's Belle, I know what you mean. Don't spare the rod, don't spoil the child, right? I bet Harl still has my name carved on her inner thigh, along with all the other scars I gave her! Hahahahaha! Yeah, I knew what Harley meant. Rough the Raggedy Anne dolls up, show them just what grandma got off her Puddin', make them regret getting tangled with this particular clown. I knew just fine. Difference is that Harley was messed up like me. She enjoyed the pain. My dame. My girl.

"_...I know you won't wanna see me now Puddin', and I don't wanna see you. I'm old and our time is over. But it sure was special to know you in our day..."_

Oh Harley, don't. You have no idea how...fuck it I should've made the other chip! No. No. I didn't make it because I couldn't stand having that bloody bouncing maniac around all the time all over again. She's old and probably going to kick the bucket soon enough. Hahahahahaha! Out of my way, finally! Hahahahahaha! Hehehehe! Hahaha! Haha! Haaaa...! Hmm. I will miss her though.

"_...you don't even have to write back. I had a good life in the end thanks to you Mister J, even got married and had kids of my own..."_

Mister J doesn't like to share! Where the fuck is my gun? I need to shoot someone! Where's that stupid hyena boy? She wasn't supposed to find someone else! THAT'S NOT FUNNY! Harley is MINE! How could she? How DARE she? I'll show that bitch, I'll pump her so full of lead before blowing her jesterly carcass into oblivion she'll be the only thing to survive my coming nuclear holocaust! Now that IS funny! Hahahaahahahaha!

"_...but despite it all, I never stopped thinking of you Mister J. You're my one true love, my Puddin'. I always thought of you as Arkham's hero, our Clown Prince of Crime, giving your life to destroy the Bat. Our life...but I never forgot. How could I Mister J? How could I..."_

I...umm. Ah she's joking! Isn't she? Well I...I...no. No! I didn't give it up! It was taken! Taken by that Bat freak! He ruined everything! Everything! Oh god...what's happening? Who does she think she is, doing this to me? I don't love her! I don't! I don't care about anyone! I'm the Joker! Hahahahahahaahahahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHA! HAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAAAA! Okay. Okay. I really, really need to shoot someone or blow something to bits...

"_..well I know you'll probably struggle with this Mister J. You've never been one for soppy letters, romance and violins, hey! So don't let it bother you. I know how you really felt and you know too. Just take it out on the twins and Mister Wayne, wink wink. Give 'em hell Puddin'. Remind Gotham why you will always be the King of Arkham, our Clown Prince. And never forget that someone from long ago once loved you very much. Laughter solves everything Mister J, knock 'em dead! Always, Harley Quinn. XXX"_

Harley was right. I am the Clown Prince of Crime! Arkham's pride and endless joy! Hahahaha! Knock 'em dead? You got it Harley! Batsy won't know what hit him, though I hear he's retired and handed the job onto a thug, a punk of a kid, a hopeless cause. Well, I'll deal with the Bat Fake and Brucie in good time. Oh and let's not forget Brat Girl, she's paying double! I hear she took over daddy's job as commissioner after I drove him mad! Hahahahahaha! Yes, I'll knock 'em all dead for Harley. But first...where are those annoying twins? "DEE-DEE? Oh Dee-Deeeeeeeeeee?"

In they spring, bouncing around just like Harley did. Except they had no weapons. Harley always had weapons. And too much flesh showing, too easy to wound. I liked Harley's skin tight jester suit...I could touch her. I could cut her! But first I had to catch her and tie her down so I could get through the fucking suit! Hahahaha! Never a dull moment! As I look at these rag doll look-alikes, I can only seethe with hatred. These aren't my Harley. All I see in them is the bastard who got my girl and planted his seed in her to create lame and boring human beings who then created these...things. Not my Harley at all.

Well. If they want to be Harley, let's see how well they play with Mister J and his magic scalpel! ! !!

*** A short story by Pandora Skye, as adapted from the characters of the DC Comics classic, Batman. These characters are not original and have been borrowed for the purpose of paying tribute to the epic (and twisted) love of The Joker and Harley Quinn. Pandora Skye whole heartedly supports all Arkham Asylum inmates in the crusade for the total demise of Batman, even if he is the coolest superhero ever. On that note, I do not condone child abuse unless the children in question look like prostitution grade Raggedy Anne dolls with obnoxious teen queen attitudes right out of your local low-brow department store. X PS.**


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